While You Were Sleeping, Senator Ted Cruz Was Casually Watching A Threesome On Twitter

ted cruz
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For about eight thousand reasons, this is the best story you’ll read today:

Super-Conservative Republican Senator Ted Cruz’s Twitter account ‘liked’ a porn scene in the wee hours of the morning & the world is having a field day mocking the massive hypocrite for it.

tedcruz/Twitter (hahahaha you idiot)

Of course Cruz’s political team is claiming it wasn’t the Senator. They insist that multiple people have access to the account and that it was a mistake – but c’mon. It was the middle of the night and working for the government is a lonely business, so for the purposes of this story/the rest of time, we’re just going to assume it was Ted whose thumb hit the heart button while his other hand was [REDACTED].

Because we know you’re wondering, the scene was a threesome starring Cory Chase (your boyfriend knows who she is), Cory's ‘stepdaughter’, and some male actor whose parents must be very proud.

Credit where it’s due, Cruz has played it off as best he can, making light of the mishap and making jokes about it with the media. But you’ve got to understand that Cruz is an aggressively conservative politician who, amongst his many evils, has supported banning sex toys in the past. Seriously, there's poverty and racial injustice and a million other things wrong with this country, and he dedicates time to taking away vibrators.

And then—here’s the real gem—his legal team once drafted a document that included a passage on discouraging “autonomous sex” a.k.a. masturbating. “…There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one’s genitals for nonmedical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship,” it reads. Which is officially the most boring description of getting oneself off in history.

So since we now know Senator Bad Touch is touching himself to Twitter, the internet’s having a field day mocking him:

Someone needs to give sex seminars in Washington. We almost feel bad for all these middle aged Republicans with repressed sexualities having to spend their days outlawing dildos.

Hahahah jk...no we don't.

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